IT’S OK

“I am prescribing you with this pill and I am sure you’ll feel much better.” She felt relieved as she left the clinic. Liz had come to meet a psychiatrist for the first time, she never wanted anyone to accompany her because she felt others would talk behind her back concerning her mental wellbeing. She was back home like any other day except for the fact that this time it was not from her college. The keys were under the doormat, as usual, she opened and entered the dark living room. Once the lights were ignited, the house felt livelier expect for the fact that she was the only existing living being there at that moment. The kitchen cupboards were filled with her favorite snacks. “Well, she is concerned about this at least,” Liz thought to herself. She went to her room and took out her prescribed medicines. “When did I ever become so in love with medicines,” she thought. She remembered how much she used to resist eating them as a child. Medicines felt toxic to her back then.”But, alas times have changed,” she sympathized herself. Suddenly the doorbell rang, she opened the door, startled to see her mother. “How come you’re early today?” She asked. Her mother just barged in without a word. “Why can’t I?” She responded. “Yup as I thought, she is not in a good mood,” Liz told to herself. “Well, you have never arrived at this time, just wondered why that’s all.” There was no reply after that, her mom was back to her best friend and her only friend, her laptop.

 Liz was lying in her bed that night, thinking about what she had discussed with her psychiatrist. “Why was I so comfortable talking to a stranger about myself?” she wondered. “Wasn’t I always disciplined at school to never speak to strangers?” “Well, maybe because he is not a stranger, after all, he’s a doctor you see,” Liz consoled herself. “And anyway it is way better to talk to a person who doesn’t know anything about you, they would never judge you,” Liz kept consoling herself. She was supposed to start her medication from the very next day. Anxiety and panic attacks ruined her for long, she never knew it was within her. But, she always felt blank and weird each time she had to do something. It was some time after she had joined a college that she heard about these and started to realize they were her friends too. But, she was never able to share it with anyone, she felt she could deal with it herself only to a point where she was not able to manage the feelings. It felt like she was in shackles and there was no reason for it. It felt like she was upset but there really was nothing to be upset about, all in all, it was a feeling without a reason. “The doctor kept asking about my past, whether there had been an instance I felt shunned or left out?” She thought. Liz had always been good at suppressing her feelings, she was actually a pro at it. Such a pro that she unknowingly started to hide them even from herself. She really could not figure out what the doctor had asked. “Liz, you need to express yourself more,” she remembered her drama teacher advising her back at school. “You’re not even cool enough to join our gang,” She remembered one of her old friends telling that. She remembered how worthless she felt when she heard that. The times when she wanted to take initiative but was filtered away by the rich and cool students. Her home was a wreck too, her parents had been busy from the time she had joined kindergarten. They would always come late but her grandmother was always there to look after her. Liz loved her grandmother so much but after she reached her sixth grade, her grandmother had moved back to her hometown after having issues with her mother. Tears ran down her eyes as she stared into the dark ceiling wall of her room. She was a warrior but a coward who hid back her feelings and grief. She was just a clown who made others happy without acknowledging herself. Liz finally tried to open up and look into the raw side of her heart. She felt an awkward emptiness and pain from within. “Now I get it,” she mumbled with tears in her eyes. “What should I do to get over this?” she helplessly asked to herself. That night she cried herself to sleep.

Next day was like any other day except for the fact that she knew exactly what she needed and she was eager to work for it. She consulted her doctor and told everything that kept killing her from within. She felt reassured when she left the clinic that day. “Do you know that the past can never be altered and the future can never be prepared?” she remembered the doctor’s words as she walked home. “Having bad experiences generate a lot of scars but if you don’t let it heal, how would it ever cure? Leave the past behind, which does not imply to ignore them, but to take them positively to rise stronger” Liz thought these words over and over. “The doctor was right,” she thought. She was determined to start all over and focus on just the present and forget the rest behind. She decided to start being the real fighter and not the coward anymore.

 

About the author – Romina Jose is from Bengaluru, India. She loves writing motivational content and  wants to always inspire and help others to become stronger individuals.

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