THE DEATH WISH

It had already been a week after her death. The days are slowly returning to normal. People are showing less in the house. They have been curious to know how she died while other show pity, sympathy and all those emotions available. And I guess they should be, well I would be if someone I knew died suddenly.

To tell you the story, She was my sister and a drug addict and was recovering in the rehab. She died on her 20^th birthday.

I am returning to my school after a week leave. After her death mom collapsed and dad had been in the hospital with her. I was in the lookout for the house and relatives coming over. After a week away from school, it looked like a different universe and to add upon student were gazing upon me all the time. So, I took a early leave from school. After returning home, I found a letter addressed to me. I opened the envelope and inside it said, “To my little sister.”

“OH MY GOD.” I was surprised. She wrote a letter, and a handwritten one at that. A lot of thoughts emerged suddenly like; “When did she wrote that letter?, Did she write it from heaven? Or hell?, Who came to deliever it? A death god?” The letter said:

Before I die,

A letter to my sister

Dear Sneha,

I want to tell you a lot of things. And I know you hated me when I take drugs, so I am writing this letter without depending on it, with all might I can accumulate right now.

When you were in mom’s tummy, I used to talk to you, a lot. I wanted to do this and that after you were born. You were just born and when I held you, there was this small baby in my hand who just stopped crying and was smiling. I promised I would always be beside this baby and protect it. I found a best friend in you. Remember how you used to cry when mom beat me and you would caress my wound saying I am Sorry when you did nothing wrong. And One day we fought and you didn’t let me enter the room. I had to sleep in the sofa, it was so very uncomfortable. I don’t remember how we patched. They were the precious memories I got and all I could do now is reminisces them.

You know, I lost my road a long time ago. Mom and dad’s divorce were too much to handle for me. It was just an excuse but I got a reason to get used to it. I thought I got a heaven to run off to. Whenever mom and dad would fight, I drugged myself and would never hear them. I was having fun, I was loving it. But it wasn’t, I left you alone and got myself into a trouble. Then, that day you slapped me and woke me up. I tried hard after that, tried myself to get out of that black hole but its not easy Sneha. I miss you, mom and dad. I actually miss their fight now. You know the gatekeeper, he tried to sell me some but I didn’t take any. But I couldn’t hold myself today so I took some, I am sorry. I am really very sorry, I couldn’t become the hero you always dreamed of. I couldn’t become the good older sister. I couldn’t come with you in the future we dreamed of. I am sorry. I miss you and I love you but you know I can’t continue like this.

This is my death wish. And I hope you could forgive me someday.

I am Sorry Sneha.

My heart tightened up, it feels suffocating. Even though all the windows are open it feels like I can’t breathe. I was feeling chills, it was cold. Then, a small tear dropped and it didn’t stop. I never cried at my sister’s memorial. They said it was okay but I never forgave her for dying alone. But now I forgive her, I released her from myself and I cried. Cried like a baby, I shouted, “ I wanted to tell you a lot of things as well. You know, I think I already heard you from mom’s tummy. I knew I had a big sister who protected me. While I broke the mom’s favorite vase, you took the blame. Mom beat you but you didn’t cry, you took it smiling. I wanted to take your pain. And after that fight you ordered my favorite pizza and we patched up. Hey sis, be happy up there. You were always a hero for me and my best sister. I love you di and I miss you a lot.”

 

About the author – Deepa Joshi is from Kathmandu, Nepal. She loves writing because it helps her express her feelings.