TRAIN TO YOU

He’d seen me cry before, but not like this. I felt weak, like my walls were down and any moment I could be attacked and vanquished, even if his arms were secure around me.

“Emily, I’ll stay if you want me to,” Finn whispered.

I pulled back, wiping at my tears harshly. “No, no, of course not. That’d be absurd. Don’t be ridiculous.” I sniffed, hoping he couldn’t see right through my words, even though I could’ve if I were him.

“I should go,” he said, squeezing my arm, looking me straight in the eye. “I’ll try to visit often, okay? Don’t miss me too much.”

“Of course I won’t,” I said, clearing my throat so the lump wedged in there would just move. “Go, Finn. Have a safe trip.”

Finn grinned. “Take care, Emily Monroe.” He turned into the crowd that was boarding the train. Soon, he dissolved into the mass of people and I couldn’t see him. Even though we said goodbye, I stood right where I was, unmoving. Didn’t budge even after I spotted Finn through the window, a reassuring smile on his face, nodding at me as the train started moving.

I’m not sure how long I stood at the platform. Trains came and went, people hurried on and off, but my feet didn’t want to move.

The vibrations begin, quietly, and you almost don’t even notice it. As the train approaches, the rumble gradually gets louder and louder, until it’s there. It’s in your body, it’s slithering its way through your bones and ribs and your entire body is lit up and your brain is numb with all the noise. It’s almost like you’re on fire, except there are no flames.

And then it stops. You’re left standing there, suddenly feeling nothing at all after feeling so much all at once.

I imagined him get off the train, Wanda standing at the platform. She’d squeal and he’d run to her, scoop her up in his arms, and kiss her. The generic couple-reuniting-after-years scene. The kind that would make people around them think, “Aw, how sweet”, while it made me sick to my stomach.

“You couldn’t even tell him you loved him as he left for God knows how long,” I mumbled to myself. I trudged home, my head pounding. I entered the house wordlessly, walked upstairs, and flopped onto my bed.

“Thought I’d let you know I let myself in,” I heard Carrie say, making me jump a little.

“Good to know,” I muttered into my pillow.

“Perks of having your best friend live nearby. Anyway, how’d the farewell go? Did you tell him?” Carrie said as I lifted my head. She sighed. “Of course you didn’t.”

“Right, because that scenario would definitely end on a happy note, wouldn’t it?” I asked, rolling my eyes.

“The situation you’ve just put yourself in. You think that’s going to end well for you?” asked Carrie.

I sniffled, trying to suppress the sob coming up. “No.”

“Heyyy. I’m 99 percent sure you’ve already cried your eyes out. Stop now.” Carrie sat next to me and I flipped over on my back. “You look horrible.”

“Thank you.”

“Want some snacks?”

“Chocolate, please.”

Carrie suggested I throw myself into as many activities as I could. Keeping myself busy would keep my mind away from thinking about Finn and Wanda and him being miles away and my liking him –

Anyway.

Baking classes, swimming, volunteering at an adoption center, piano classes. At first, it was too much, but I slowly settled into the busy routine. It was good for me – that was what I constantly told myself as I’d be icing cupcakes or looking through piano sheets. As for academics, I’d applied at several universities, but since I missed the admission date of most universities, I decided I’d apply for the spring semester.

“You applied here, too?” Carrie asked. She was on my laptop, pointing at the uni Finn was at. I nodded. Carrie raised an eyebrow. “I see.”

“You know I’ve always wanted to go there,” I said.

“Yeah, yeah,” Carrie waved me off, grinning a little.

Along with applying to universities, I maintained my perfect schedule. Carrie marveled at how I juggled one course after the other. She didn’t know it was the best way to avoid dealing with my feelings.

Sometimes, though, I’d be let off early from reading at a local kindergarten, and I’d stand on the train platform, listening to the sound, feeling the train go by. Then I’d get on and go somewhere. Not Toronto, of course. I’d head to a nearby town and walk into a café, order coffee and stare out the window, listening to soft music.

I’d think about Finn.

He always talked about getting on the train to Toronto. He’d go to a big university and he’d study how to make movies.

“Movies! That’s so cool!” I’d say. In high school, when Finn tried to show me how editing worked, I grimaced and said I didn’t have that much free time on my hands. Plus, I liked watching Finn quietly concentrate and work on his project.

Thing about Finn was, he really loved trains.

He loved watching trains go by and people bustling to get in. He’d be filming that and I’d sit quietly beside him, watching and taking everything in. We’d get on the train and Finn would film everything; the ride, the view outside, the idle-faced people, me. Once, we went to the countryside and I sat in a field of flowers, watching everything around me sway with the breeze. I was daydreaming, only to snap out of my daze to notice Finn’s camera pointed at me.

“Do I look pretty?” I flipped my hair, which, with the breeze, came around and smacked me in the face, making Finn laugh, making me laugh.

“Very,” he said as I untangled and fixed my hair, his camera still filming me.

On the way home, we stopped at a frozen yogurt place. That was when he told me he was dating Wanda Grant, a super skinny, super pretty girl everyone in school wanted to date.

“Oh,” I said. Finn was my best friend. I was happy for him…right? Of course I was.

Scratch that. Of course I was supposed to be. But I wasn’t.

I shoved a spoonful of berry yogurt in my mouth. “That’s great! At least you’re…putting yourself out there!” The smile on my face felt as fake as my voice, but I tried to be happy for him. At least there was that.

Finn was ecstatic. He and Wanda began doing everything together. Their dates began overlapping with his and my hangouts, so I began making excuses to avoid hanging out with him. Besides, nothing hurt me more than us joking around while watching one of Finn’s videos to be interrupted by Wanda constantly calling Finn to come over.

I didn’t let Finn notice I was avoiding him. I managed to balance being around him long enough to not get disturbed by Wanda and I hardly ever got to see her.

But when I did, when I saw Wanda latch onto Finn, her smile as big as his, it’d make my heart sink beyond the pit of my stomach, into a dark void that never ended.

Then I’d think about how sometimes I’d catch Finn looking at me, like I was the only girl in the whole world. The confusion would make me feel even more nauseous.

I was lucky I had Carrie.

“Screw him! There are more attractive guys in the world, you know,” she’d say. “Remember Collin Bates from chemistry? He’s really hot.”

“Yeah, yeah,” I’d respond, to which Carrie would look at me pitifully and I’d tell her to stop.

I was so happy when I heard Wanda was moving out to Toronto in our senior year.

“This is your chance!” Carrie squealed, jumping up and down.

“Calm down, it’s almost like you’re getting together with a guy,” I said, even though I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face.

But the smile dropped right away when Finn told me they were keeping up their relationship.

“L-Long distance relationships are hard to maintain, huh?” I said, my voice shakier than usual.

Finn hadn’t noticed my despair. He shrugged. “We both like each other a lot. She doesn’t want it to end and neither do I. We’ll be fine.”

I was back to my mopey self. The only good thing was that I got to be with Finn more often. We’d catch trains to the seaside and downtown and Finn would record it all. It felt good again.

One day, we went to the flower field. Finn and I sat face to face, Finn telling me about how he’d be going out to Toronto in about two weeks, a tear rolling down my cheek.

“I-I’m happy for you, though,” I said, Finn wiping my tear away. “I’m…I just…”

“I’m going to miss you too, Em,” he whispered. His hand enclosed mine and he squeezed it.

“You better make some fantastic movies,” I said. Finn chuckled. We sat in that field for so long, talking softly, not realizing time was passing us by.

I’d slowly realize that was all in the past, and that I was just sitting in a coffee shop, staring out the window, all by myself. Right after that, I’d throw myself back into my schedule. Everything was going by smoothly.

Until the letter came.

“Oh my God! We’re going to Toronto!” Carrie squealed, running into my house, hugging Mom and then hugging me. I stood in silence, my acceptance letter in my hand, the happiness of being accepted into my dream university not really hitting me.

“I’m so proud of you two!” Mom said, embracing both me and Carrie. I smiled for her sake, but my heart felt uneasy. “Special dinner! What would you girls like?”

“Fried chicken!” Carrie yelled, throwing her hands up.

“What about you, Em? Say the word and I’m on it, right away.”

I looked at Mom, then Carrie, both looking at me gleefully. I shrugged. “Um, I’ll be okay with…whatever.” I walked past them up the stairs to my room, hearing Mom ask what’s wrong with me. I curled up on my bed.

“Emily?” Carrie asked softly, sitting on the ground at eye level with me.

“I don’t want to see him,” I said quietly.

“Oh, Em. You just got accepted into a prestigious university! You should be happy about that. Especially since yours truly will be with you.”

I smiled a little. “Thank God for you, honestly.”

Carrie shrugged. “I know. Also, we don’t have to meet him if you don’t want to.”

“We’re in the same uni, Carrie, we’re bound to run into each other.”

“Yeah, to top it off, you didn’t even tell him you applied to the same place he did,” Carrie pointed out. I winced at the reminder. “Look, Em, right now, we’re gonna focus on the admission stuff, and the whole getting to Toronto and everything. I think that should be your primary concern right now instead of a mere boy, Emily Monroe.”

I snickered. “Alright, alright.” I sat up. “Fried chicken’s pretty important, too.”

“Talk about priorities!” Carrie jumped up, her brown eyes sparkling. She held out her hand. “Will you join me?”

I giggled as I grabbed Carrie’s hand.

I was grateful to have my best friend by my side the whole time. We paid our tuition fees, managed our dormitory expenses, packed up, and were standing at the train platform, saying our farewells to our families in a few weeks’ time.

“Call me every single day, okay?” Mom said, kissing me on my forehead.

“I will. Take care of yourself,” I said, hugging her for the fifth time.

“Don’t worry, Mrs. M, I’ll watch her back,” Carrie quipped, wrapping her arms around both me and Mom. I hugged Carrie’s parents, ruffled her little brother’s hair, and said bye to Mom one last time. Carrie dragged me into the train, waving at everyone. “Bye, everyone!”

Carrie slept the whole way, even though the train ride wasn’t that long. I couldn’t keep my eyes shut for even a second because of the nerves. We caught a cab to campus, and then, we were finally there.

“We’re heeeeeere!” Carrie yelled the minute we stepped into our dorm room, her hands in the air.

“Thanks, I had no idea,” I said, unzipping my bag.

“Wait. Are you unpacking now?” Carrie inquired.

“Yeah, why?”

Carrie rolled her eyes. “Let’s go out and explore! Campus looks huge! I wonder how we’re gonna find our way around here.”

“No thanks. I’d rather not run into Finn,” I mumbled.

She scoffed. “Girl. We’re students here now, at a cool university with an awesome campus. LET’S LOOK AROUND, please? Please?”

I looked up at Carrie pouting, pulling the puppy dog eyes. “You’re ridiculous, you know that, right?”

“But you love me anyway. Put on your shoes.”

Carrie and I strolled around until it got dark. Carrie talked the whole time, pointing out the buildings and people, talking about how we were officially adults, me listening the whole time. As we walked back to our dorm, I was just glad we didn’t run into Wanda or Finn.

The next day, Carrie begrudgingly went to attend her first class while I sat back in our dorm. My classes started the day after, so I had a whole day to myself. I grabbed my phone and wallet and walked to the train station, which wasn’t too far. I stepped into the train, sitting on the first empty seat I could find next to –

“Emily?”

I looked up to him, next to me, here.

“Finn?” My voice came out so small, I wondered if I even said his name out loud. His arms were around me right away and I was frozen. This could not be happening.

“I haven’t seen you in so long!” Finn was grinning ear to ear. His brunette hair, which was usually unkempt, was slicked back. Other than that, he looked like the Finn I knew so well.

“Yeah,” I said, or at least, I thought I said. I couldn’t trust my own voice.

“How’ve you been?” Finn asked, still smiling.

“I’m great, uh…”

“What are you doing in Toronto?”

I turned away and squeezed my eyes shut. “I, uh…” Finn was looking at me expectedly when I turned back. “Same reason as you. To study.”

“Oh, really? Where are you studying? Hope it’s nearby.” Finn’s smile began to hurt now that I got to see it after so long.

“Same…same place as you.”

Finn’s smile faltered a little. “What? Really? You didn’t tell me you were gonna study here!”

“Yeah, I…I was so busy I forgot to tell you…”

Finn turned away and I felt sick all over again. “It’s not like we’re not best friends anymore, you know. You can still talk to me.”

“I-I know…” I gripped the edge of my seat. I had no excuse other than I didn’t want to tell you.

“Is everything okay? How’s your mom?”

“Everything’s fine, Mom’s great. Just really emotional with me leaving for college and all,” I said, the guilt still lodged in my throat.

“Where are you going? Any chance you’d like to join me? I was headed out for coffee,” Finn offered.

I smiled. “Yeah, sure.”

“We have a ton of catching up to do. I have so many ridiculous things to tell you, you’re gonna laugh your face off.”

By the time we were sitting face to face in the café, my nerves had settled down. I wrapped my hands around my cup of hot chocolate while Finn told me about his friends, about classes, about weird professors. Filmmaking wasn’t lonely for him anymore. He was learning about something he loved; and he was glad he’d opted for it.

Not one mention of Wanda.

Finn softly kicked my ankle under the table. “What about you? You happy with your choices?”

I looked at Finn as he sipped his espresso. “I am.”

Finn’s gaze met mine and held it, for just a moment. I turned my face downwards, feeling my face heat up.

“How’s Wanda?” I asked.

He sighed. “It wasn’t working out. She…she said she didn’t want to settle yet.”

The lump in my throat was back.

“That’s why I decided I didn’t want to date for a while. So, I’m just fine being on my own right now,” Finn added.

“Oh,” was all I could say. “Could I be your exception?” was what I actually wanted to say. I downed the rest of my hot chocolate.

“Come on, I need a couple of shots of that field we used to go to,” Finn said, standing up. We took the train to the countryside, both of us silent. The words in my head gathered together, put themselves in order, and then all jumbled themselves up. How could I possibly tell Finn how I felt if I couldn’t get the words straight?

I watched quietly as Finn set up his camera. The field was empty and the breeze was soft, almost nonexistent. I stood with my hands in my pockets, mouthing words that could make sense. I lost track of how long I just stood there, wanting this to be over already.

“Emily?”

I blinked back to reality. “Yeah?”

Finn pointed at the field. “Could you stand there for a while? I need some footage.”

“Yeah, sure.” I walked into the field, the grass tickling my ankles. How can saying a few words be so hard?

I stood for about two minutes, staring out at the open area, thinking about how Finn and I said goodbye to each other here, and I thought it was over, and that he was gone.

I turned back. But here he is.

“Finn?”

Finn stepped away from his camera. “Yeah?”

I felt my hands tremble, my entire body following suit. “I like you. A lot. I’ve always liked you. And I’ve never had the chance to say it, and then Wanda came along and I completely lost my chance, then you moved away and I thought you were gone forever, but here you are, and…” I smiled, tears forming in my eyes. “And I like you, Finn Collins.”

Finn didn’t move for a whole second, his hair flapping in the wind. I was ready for rejection, but the boy took two strides forward, grabbed my face, and kissed me. It was so insanely cliché and perfect and unexpected.

“What took us so long?” Finn said, resting his forehead on mine.

“It doesn’t matter anymore,” I whispered, smiling with all I had in me.

This was it. Our moment finally happened. It didn’t matter what happened before, or what would happen next, because we were finally together.

 

About the author – Sarah Ejaz is a computer science student studying at FAST-NUCES, Islamabad who enjoys writing and has been doing it since she was young. She resides in Islamabad, Pakistan.